The letter. Twice written.

In a dusty corner of my late adoptive mother's attic, I discovered a treasure trove of old letters. Among them was a letter, its pages yellowed by time and telling the secrets of my family's history. I had no idea that this letter would reveal so much.

My grandmother wrote this letter from Huissen, Netherlands on February 18, 1968. It was addressed to my adoptive parents and a poignant transcription of a letter from my biological father. He was her lost son. Because he emigrated to Canada in the 1950s. The letter was addressed to her from his distant home in Canada. As I read its contents, I was able to better outline this man who was such a absent and shadowy figure in my life.

The letter

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Huissen, 18-2 '68

Dear all,

Two days after we went to Lichheze together, I received a letter from Tony, which I will transcribe verbatim, so you can draw your own conclusion. Now here it goes.

 

Dear Mother,

Tony’s dad

Today I had the biggest shock of my life with the news of father's death. Everything goes wrong when you plan in advance. I was doing my best, to get ahead a little and surprise him for once and now he is dead. About 7 months ago I had a dream,  I saw Father's death, maybe it is hard to believe but in that dream, I saw Father in heaven, with all the others of the family. Why didn't Father want to say anything about being sick? Well Mother, you just have to keep a clear head, in my own way I loved Father a lot too, but I could never bring out my feelings and I love you a lot too, the misfortune is that I am a little different from the rest. Well Mother if You want something again let me know. I am doing well now. I have no debts here, and I am working hard 7 days a week and eleven hours a day in the wilderness. I felt very sad when I got the obituary and the other letter. I knew immediately, it was
Father, it was like something was dead in me, but do me a favor and don't fret because that doesn't help anything either, we all will die, just like the greatest statesman Kennedy, that's life. Well Mother I hope to visit you sometime in the fall. When I was home the first time I was completely lost. I didn't know which way to go. I will write you again soon and now take it easy for a while. I'm just glad the children are doing well. I would like to write to them but they are still too young. I miss them very much, but there is not much I can do for them at the moment. But I will write about that next time. I also feel upset right now. How come the boys and Ria never write? Are they angry with me or what is it? Well Mother I am going to bed now and will pray for Father too. Well rest a hearty kiss from your son Tonnie give my regards to all.

My dad, the year his dad died

 

This then is the letter I received from my lost son. Dear Piet and Thea, I hope I have done you a favor, I think there is something good in him after all. How are things at home and with you?

Lots of greetings from Aunt Lies and the rest.

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What I felt when I read the letter

In his letter, my biological father, revealed fragments of his soul, offering little glimpses into his life and the family dynamics. Overall, I feel that my father's personality, as conveyed through this letter, appears to be a combination of sensitivity and emotional reserve. He seems to have intense emotions that sometimes overwhelm him. His letter conveys a sense of hurt, inadequacy, and isolation. He longs for family connection, even though he feels different from the rest of the family. 

He began with his shock over the news of his father's death. His words conveyed a sense of regret and longing for the opportunity to express his feelings to his father, now forever lost. He confessed feeling different than the rest of the family, unable to articulate his emotions openly. In those lines, I sensed his vulnerability, his struggle to belong, and his yearning for acceptance within his family. The letter also unveiled the pain of separation from his children – my brothers and me, and his siblings, two brothers and a sister.

Overall, the letter hints at the possibility that my father may have felt marginalized and felt different from the rest of the family.This revelation made me look into his family's dynamics.

Analysis & black sheep

Within the letter, several clues hinted at my father's possible marginalization within his family. His struggles with emotional expression, feelings of being different, lack of communication from certain family members, and his desire for connection all pointed towards a complex family dynamic. The term "black sheep" lingered in the background, a subtle reference to those who stand out or feel different within a family.

Marginalized family members are often called “black sheep” because they stand out from the rest of the group (Fitness, 2005). Family member marginalization, or feeling different, feeling not included, or not approved of by family, is likely chronically stressful.

Finding evidence

I try to find evidence for my hypothesis by using scientific literature. How we experience life is a matter of perspective. Then I prefer to choose the scientific entrance.

1. Emotional Expression: My father mentions that he had difficulty expressing his feelings and emotions, saying, "I could never bring out my feelings." This suggests a struggle with emotional openness and possibly feeling disconnected from the emotional dynamics of the family.

Source: Bye bye, black sheep: The causes and consequences of rejection in family relationships. Fitness, J. (2005). 

2. Feeling different: He refers to himself as "a little different from the rest." This feeling of being different from the rest of the family is a common characteristic of individuals who perceive themselves as marginalized within their family.

Source: Fitness, J. (2005). Betrayal, rejection, revenge, and forgiveness: An interpersonal script approach. In A. Vangelisti (Ed.), Feeling hurt in close relationships (pp. 265-286).

3. Lack of Communication: My father expresses confusion about why his brothers and sister Ria never write to him. This lack of communication or contact from other family members could indicate a sense of isolation or estrangement from the family unit.

Source: Relationships as dialogues. Baxter, L. A. (2004).

4. Isolation and Distance: He mentions feeling lost and not knowing which way to go when he was home. This sense of confusion and being adrift in familiar surroundings suggests a disconnect from his family.

Source: This aligns with the concept of relational distancing and feeling isolated within family relationships (McLaren & Solomon, 2008). Rejection: Resolving the paradox of emotional numbness after exclusion. DeWall, C. N., Baumeister, R. E., & Masicampo, E. J. (2009)

5. Family Dynamic: The term "black sheep" is used to describe family members who stand out or feel different from the rest of the family. While it's not explicitly mentioned in the letter, the concept of being a "black sheep" aligns with the idea of feeling marginalized within a family.

Source: Fitness, J. (2005). Betrayal, rejection, revenge, and forgiveness: An interpersonal script approach. In A. Vangelisti (Ed.), Feeling hurt in close relationships (pp. 265-286).

6. Desire for Connection: Despite his feelings of difference and potential marginalization, my father expresses a desire to visit his family and maintain contact. This indicates a longing for connection and a sense of attachment to his family, despite any perceived differences.

Source: Commitment and emotional closeness in the sibling relationship. Rittenour, C. E., Myers, S. A., & Brann, M. (2007).

To be continued.

Please leave in the comments what your think… have a glorious day!